Neverside

Script in Progress...

...Read it...and leave a C&C for me.

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Neverside - In Development. Expected Release: Unknown.
Tortustudios.com - In Development. Expected Release: Summer 2006.( You can visit it now)

ok, first of all this belongs in creative arts and literature --> http://forums.neverside.com/view/creative_arts/

secondly, i started reading and i dont know what the hell it is, is it a script for theatre or film?
also if it is for film (im just gonna assume that now) you might want to check the formatting standards, you have somethings correct, others close, and generally way to much description, proper screenplays keep description to a bare minimum, if you skim through them they should primarily be conversation between characters, when you format it properly and balance it nicely you'll also get an indication of how long it might work out to be (rule of thumb: 1 minute per page)

i'll give you some proper comments about the piece when i get some time to read it all.

for the future of ns (studio etc) its nice to see there are some writers (especially screen writers) around though, so keep it up.

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|'Personal Growth'|'Personal Development'|
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
|Threadless T-Shirts|Last.fm:NS Group|

thanks.

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Neverside - In Development. Expected Release: Unknown.
Tortustudios.com - In Development. Expected Release: Summer 2006.( You can visit it now)

This is a Cg film script that I'm writing. it's no where near done and is not correct in its technical information. I'm debating with myself whether or not to hold off on the script and write a novel that I'm sure would be very very very kickass. You'll just have to read it and leave C&C for me to consider.

sorry for double posting but I can't edit my first post

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Neverside - In Development. Expected Release: Unknown.
Tortustudios.com - In Development. Expected Release: Summer 2006.( You can visit it now)

Funny, i'm writing a movie script as well. Don't want to share the details on it just yet though. Way too hot. Haha

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Neversidian Development Editor

We should compare scripts, see whose is better.

Anyways, here's an update of my script for you all.

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Neverside - In Development. Expected Release: Unknown.
Tortustudios.com - In Development. Expected Release: Summer 2006.( You can visit it now)

Here's an update...

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Neverside - In Development. Expected Release: Unknown.
Tortustudios.com - In Development. Expected Release: Summer 2006.( You can visit it now)

I owe you a critique; sorry I didn't get around to it earlier.

I'm going to be making some specific comments, and some general comments, hopefully it'll help, and just remember firstly, that this is just one mans views, and I might say something that you totally disagree with and you can ignore me if you wish, you should write whatever you think is good, so that works the other way round too, if I say something is great but you don't like it, rewrite it. So also try to assess you're your own writing to see what you think of it. And secondly, the only way to get better is to practise, that means the more you write the better you will become.

First of all, some of the dialogue seem very contrived, I recently wrote a screenplay with detectives in it, and it seems similar, the finished film suffered because it didn't seem 'real', it didn't seem exactly smooth and professional (of course that also depends on the actors)
The only way I think to solve this is to write more dialogue and go back, maybe even read it out loud, and rewrite dialogue so it seems more natural. It's very subjective and you might get a good actor who can pull it of well.
Often we use dialogue to tell the audience something, but you should think of what the character is thinking and what he wants to achieve by saying something, why he says it, how he would say it, etc.

One think about the technical side of screenplays, a screenplay is basically to show the director what to do, so when the audience doesn't know who is speaking, we don't write unknown, but whichever character says it, if it's off screen with (O.S.) or O.S. next to it.

Other than that, I don't have much to say, except the idea of someone who burns people with his eyes seems a little cliche, or too supernatural, to me, but it could be a good movie.

Good luck.

___________________

|'Personal Growth'|'Personal Development'|
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
|Threadless T-Shirts|Last.fm:NS Group|

Looks good so far!